An Anxious 19-Year-Old: Master, What Should I Do? | Master Jingben
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An Anxious 19-Year-Old: Master, What Should I Do?
The greatest change recitation has brought me is that I am no longer petty or calculating. But my temper is still very hot — I don't know why; perhaps my karma is too heavy.
I dropped out of school and have been home for two years, always wanting to find a job, but unable to. Now I help my parents with their work — they run a small business, a fried chicken shop, which is also a trade that involves killing. I often can't stop myself from talking back to my parents; sometimes I regret it afterward, but I just can't change it, and I don't know what to do.
Lately I've been eating a great deal of meat, unable to control it, no matter how I try to stop. The verbal karma I create is also very heavy, and sometimes I even kill insects.
I deeply believe in Amitabha Buddha's Vow-Power, that He will arrange what is best for me; but this matter of having no job makes me very anxious and restless. The string of setbacks lately has left me feeling very defeated. I don't know whether this is karma being cleared in advance, or some other reason — I just can't make sense of it. This whole series of things I've done makes me feel unworthy of being a disciple of the Buddha.
I hope Master Jingben can resolve my confusion: why, after reciting one million recitations of the Name, can I still not find a job? Why, after a million recitations, do I instead go through all kinds of hardship? Thank you.
Master Jingben Answers: Namo Amitabha. Having received your letter, the first thing I want to do is give you a great affirmation and encouragement — you are only 19, yet you have already begun reciting the Name, and to date have recited one million recitations. Though there were interruptions, each and every time you were able to "pick the Name back up." This heart that does not give up is truly rare and truly remarkable. Many people practice for a few days and then fall away, while you have kept going all along — this is your deep affinity with Amitabha Buddha.
What is more, recitation has already changed you into someone "no longer petty, no longer calculating" — this is the Buddha-Name's real transformation within your heart, a very, very great progress. You must see your own goodness.
So please, never feel that you are "unworthy" of being a disciple of the Buddha. Quite the opposite: that you can feel humility and reflect on your own shortcomings is itself a most rare and precious root of goodness.
Next, I want to clarify for you one crucial misunderstanding: reciting the Name does not mean that everything will be smooth sailing from now on. The most fundamental, most ultimate benefit of recitation is "rebirth in the Pure Land" — the liberation from birth and death. This is the greatest, most ultimate assurance. The reason we suffer now and meet with all kinds of hardship is precisely that we are still within the six realms of rebirth; only rebirth in the Pure Land is the liberation that severs all suffering at its root.
As for peace and smoothness in this present life — this is a benefit that comes along with recitation, but it does not mean that once you recite, life will hold no more trials, no more hardships. So even though you have recited a million recitations and have not yet found a job, please do not, on this account, doubt recitation or let your faith be shaken. This is by no means that recitation has no effect; rather, the conditions of this present life have their own season of ripening — when the time comes, they will naturally appear.
Then why, after reciting, do you instead meet with one hardship after another? Please understand: the Saha world is inherently one of suffering, inherently full of all kinds of dissatisfaction. These hardships are not "drawn in" by recitation, and they are absolutely not Amitabha Buddha punishing you. Please also do not rush to frighten and trouble yourself with the thought "is this karma being cleared?" The real point is this — those who recite the Name, when they meet with hardship, have Amitabha Buddha in their hearts as their support, and so they are not crushed. The heart with which you face life is already quietly changing; and the deepest, greatest benefit — rebirth in the Land of Ultimate Bliss — Amitabha Buddha has long since prepared for you.
Next, regarding the various habitual tendencies you mention in your letter, please do not carry a heavy burden of guilt. That habits are hard to change is simply the normal state of us ordinary beings. The habits accumulated over countless kalpas — how could they be severed all at once? And understand this: rebirth depends on Amitabha Buddha's Vow-Power. It does not require us to first sever all our habits and become pure before we are qualified to be reborn. If it were so, hardly anyone could be saved.
So when your temper flares, recite; when afflictions stir, recite; take that flash of temper that "flares up at the slightest spark," and exchange it for one "Namo Amitabha." As for eating meat, verbal karma, killing insects — it is enough to improve gradually; do not be harsh with yourself. When a thought of humility arises now and then, simply recite the Name for those beings and dedicate the merit to them — that is enough.
Regarding your parents' fried chicken shop: in helping your parents, you are fulfilling filial duty, and you yourself are not killing out of malice — so please set down the burden in your heart. You can quietly recite the Name and dedicate the merit for these beings. In the future, when you have the capacity, you may also find skillful ways to talk with your parents; but for now, you really need not carry such a heavy burden of guilt.
As for finding a job and the anxiety in your heart: please do what is humanly possible — keep working hard to find one, and then leave the result to Amitabha Buddha. You are only 19; the road of life is still very, very long, and there is truly no need to be so anxious. Look for a job while reciting the Name; helping your parents for now is also a form of filial duty, and a form of training. Amitabha Buddha will surely arrange the most suitable conditions for you — when the time comes, it will naturally be there.
Finally, I want to say to you: rebirth in the Land of Ultimate Bliss is, for you, already a settled matter — this is the greatest blessing and refuge of your life. As for the things of this present life, take them slowly, and never be crushed by a moment's hardship. The anxiety, the restlessness, and the self-blame in your heart — recite them all away, one recitation at a time, and entrust them to Amitabha Buddha.
You are not facing this alone. Amitabha Buddha is always by your side and has never left. The more afflicted, the more things go wrong — all the more, recite the Name. Namo Amitabha
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