Rebuffed While Guiding My Family into the Dharma — Continue or Give Up? | Master Jingben
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Rebuffed While Guiding My Family into the Dharma — Continue or Give Up?
But this past Sunday, after the group practice, on the way home he suddenly lost his temper and told me to stop arranging for him to go to the Dharma center — and that was only his fourth time there. His words were harsh: he said going once was enough for him, and even said, "You should count yourself lucky I go with you at all." I was utterly stunned.
In fact, I had asked him each time before registering him, and he always said okay; the videos I sent, he did watch them all. He is already in his sixties, and I only wanted him to turn toward Amitabha Buddha sooner. I also finally persuaded my parents-in-law to take refuge, and I dedicate merit for them every day; my mother-in-law has dementia, and each time I visit her, I recite the Buddha's name for her to hear.
I am deeply hurt and disappointed — I had always thought we were heading in the same direction, so why would he say such a thing? His words made it sound as though I had been forcing him. I have even thought of giving up: not bringing him along anymore, and not sharing Master's teachings anymore. I know this would not accord with the Dharma, but my heart is truly weary. I ask for Master's guidance. Thank you.
Master Jingben Answers: Namo Amitabha.
First, let me rejoice in and praise all that you have done for your husband and your parents-in-law: persuading them to take refuge, dedicating merit every day, reciting the Buddha's name for your mother-in-law when you visit her, and guiding your husband in learning the Dharma all along… this heart of yours is truly rare. And I can understand how, when the person closest to you speaks like that, the hurt and disappointment you feel is only human.
But please do not lose heart. Let us look at this from another angle and see it clearly:
1. Your Husband Has Not Actually Rejected the Dharma
Consider carefully: your husband came with you to the Dharma center four times, and he does watch the videos you send — for a man in his sixties to do this much shows that his wholesome roots have been there all along. What he said this time may only be about "going to the Dharma center," spoken out of personal feeling in the moment; it is not a rejection of Amitabha Buddha, and still less a rejection of you.
2. Show More Understanding
To come to the Dharma center for group practice really does require many conditions to come together — time, physical strength, transport, mood, habit; all of them must fall into place. At his age, for your husband to be not yet used to coming to the center is entirely normal, and there is no need to see it as a falling back. As for hearing the Dharma at home, watching the videos, reciting the Buddha's name — he has not rejected any of that; this wholesome connection has remained open all along. So it is not that he is unwilling to learn the Dharma; it is only that the conditions for this particular form — "coming to the Dharma center" — have not yet ripened.
3. Let Faith Follow Conditions
"Believing oneself, one teaches others to believe" — it must suit the person, and it must suit the conditions. Push too hard, and even a good thing comes to feel like pressure, giving rise to resistance: haste makes waste. Between husband and wife, each may differ for a time in pace and in manner, but the Dharma-gate and the direction remain the same.
4. What You Can Do in Practice
About the Dharma center: follow your husband's own wishes and let him decide for himself. From time to time you may also extend an "invitation" for him to come along. The doors of the Dharma center are always open — the day he himself wishes to go, you can happily go together.
About videos and hearing the Dharma: you can keep sharing them, only in a lighter way — share as conditions allow, without expectations, and without asking, "Did you watch it?" Let it remain a "sharing" between husband and wife — expressing that you yourself found this one helpful, rather than making it an "assignment."
Most important of all: let example take the place of exhortation. When you yourself recite the Buddha's name joyfully and live at ease and in peace, your husband will see in you what it means to be one who recites the Name — this is far more persuasive than a hundred videos. At the same time, turn the energy you put into "urging" into the power of vow: recite the Name and dedicate the merit for him, entrusting the arrangement to Amitabha Buddha — Amitabha Buddha understands the timing of conditions far better than we do.
5. You Have Already Done Very Well
The seeds you have sown over these years — four visits to the Dharma center, video after video — have already entered your husband's heart. Please also take care of your own heart: when it grows weary, first settle into your own recitation of the Name. Once your heart is at peace and at ease, the atmosphere at home naturally eases too, and your husband will find it easier to draw near.
Husband and wife share a deep affinity. That your pace differs for the time being does not matter; nor is there anyone who can be exactly the same as ourselves. But we can still recite this one "Namo Amitabha" together, and be born together in the Land of Ultimate Bliss in the future — that is the most ultimate way of walking the path together. Entrust your husband to Amitabha Buddha, recite the Name with a settled heart, and do not be anxious — Amitabha Buddha is always there. Namo Amitabha
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